| PULSE CHECK |
| "PULSE" - "the
sentiments, opinions, or attitudes current among the public or a
particular group." |
 |
"CHECK" - "to
examine something in order
to establish its state or condition." |
"PULSE
CHECK" - is a weekly reminder from CHALLENGED TO THE CORE
encouraging you to take time "to
examine your sentiments, opinions, or attitudes in order to establish
the state or condition of your life."
|
August
26, 2008
CONTRACTION
ACTION
Jesus
replied, "Where I
am going, you cannot follow now, but
you will follow later." Peter asked,
"Lord, why can't I follow you
now? I
will lay down my life for you." Then Jesus answered, "Will
you really lay down your life for me? I tell you
the truth, before the
rooster crows, you will disown me three times!”
John
13:36-38
There
are few things in life more frustrating to a parent than
hearing their children say, “I can’t do
it!” As a parent, you probably have heard it; even more convicting
is the
fact that you may have said it at sometime in your life as well. It’s a
play
right out of the Quitter’s Handbook.
For those of you who like to research things such as this, to my
knowledge,
there is no such book, but keep on looking for it anyway. I can’t
stop you. There I go again using a
word that “isn’t” even supposed to be in the dictionary or was that the
word
“ain’t”? Regardless, the attitude of someone saying that they “can’t”
do something
is very frustrating. In our work as marriage coaches it is extremely
difficult
to deal with. I would like to redefine the meaning or at least give you
some
options to consider when you hear the word “can’t”
being used. Let’s just call it “contraction
action” to help solve a problem.
Could
but I do not want
to…
This
option is by far the hardest definition to overcome because
it’s the most difficult situation to rectify. It’s an attitude that
says, “It’s
my way or the highway.” Perhaps a spouse has some legitimate reasons to
take
such a harsh stance, but it’s far from being a position of contrition.
We have
found that “fault” has a way of falling on both sides of the fence.
However, when
someone does not want to admit to any “faults” or make any changes
necessary to
“fix” their marriage, it’s over. All that’s left is figuring out whose
going to
pay the attorneys, the alimony and the child support. Now that’s
another funny
term, “child support”. How can the transfer of money, after walking out
on your
obligations be considered anything close to being supportive.
Attempted
in the past
but failed…
I
can actually wrap my head around this excuse. At least it’s
based in a reasonable fear of failure. If you have honestly tried your
best to
resolve your differences without any success the chances of repeating
your
record is pretty high. However, it’s also possible that you can adopt a
different game plan to improve your odds. There is more than one way to
skin a
cat…isn’t there? When we show couples the probability of success
through
alternative strategies they are more likely to give it a shot or at
least humor
us for awhile.
Never
ever going to try…
As
bad as “never ever going to try” sounds, it’s really not as
bad as I “could but I don’t want to”. You can actually work with
someone who
says that they won’t try. It’s another form of learning how to face the
fear of
failure. In this situation, “failure” has been anticipated without
actually
having been experienced. All you have to do is convince a person to
take “baby
steps”. Steps that move in the right direction but are not as difficult
as eating
grandma’s fruit cake in one sitting. Once a person can feel the victory
of
their feet moving in a positive direction they forget about the agony
of where
they were.
‘ (The
dreaded
apostrophe)
An
apostrophe is a “punctuation
mark used to show where letters are omitted from a word”; in the
case or
our word “can’t” the letter “n” and “o” have been deleted from the word
“not”.
Sometimes we don’t know what we are afraid of or what we are trying to
avoid.
As coaches we help guide a couple to look at the elephant that is not
in the
room. When you are an “outside” observer it can be obvious, but not
always. The
key is to get the couple talking about their marriage. Especially men,
since we
are not as in touch with our feelings as our wives. We leave “no” stone unturned until the issue is
finally discovered. Believe it or not, it’s easier to find something
that’s not
there, than it is to get people to change what they already know they
don’t
what to deal with.
Try
again tomorrow, I am
busy…
Busyness
is an avoidance technique that we all use when we just
don’t want to deal with something. It’s not necessarily a “no” answer,
but more
like a “not now”. When couples are in the midst of crisis there are
often other
fires to put out; a stack of unpaid bills, a child out of control or
maybe even
stress from a job that’s consuming every waking thought. Fortunately,
it’s not
a matter of being unconcerned. Here the key is helping a couple learn
to manage
their way out of chaos into calmer waters where decisions can actually
be
addressed with clear heads. Coaches need to help the spouse who is in
control
of their emotions to understand their role as a buffer, giving their
mate a
chance to catch their breath. When the “fires” go out, they will reap
the
rewards of their patience and compassion.
The
next time that someone uses the word “can’t”, take a moment
to collect your thoughts before you react. Consider the meaning behind
their
choice of words. You might even want to look in the mirror to be sure
that it
wasn’t coming from your own mouth. Once you have calmly assessed the
reality
behind the word step up to the plate with a little “contraction
action” to bring clarity to the situation so you can
solve the problem. As always, don’t forget to “check your
pulse” throughout the week.
Del
Brixey
“Contraction
Analyzer”
CHALLENGED
TO THE
CORE
P.O.
BOX 414
LAKE ARROWHEAD,
CA 92352-0414
For
more information on how to "Center On Real-life Effectiveness" please
visit our website at:
www.CHALLENGEDTOTHECORE.com
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