DOORS, BOLTS, & BARS

“… ‘The wall of Jerusalem is broken down,
 and its gates have been burned with fire.’
When I heard these things, I sat down and
 wept. For some days I mourned and fasted
 and prayed before the God of heaven.”
 Nehemiah 1:3-4

While marriage is being attacked from all sides, in our cities, counties and courthouses, it appears that no one cares. Apathy seems to be the mantra of our society when it comes to preserving the institution of marriage. Divorce has become a sanctioned form of spiritual abortion. The destruction of the sacred union, where a man and a woman become “one flesh”, is treated more like a clinical procedure than a devastating tragedy. Words like “incompatible” or “irreconcilable” are used instead of “selfish” or “stubborn” to describe the attitudes that couples refuse to confront. Before I get assaulted from all sides, let me assure you that I know that marriage can be difficult. I also believe that “divorce” is not an unforgiveable sin, but it can be avoided if a couple will pay attention to the “doors, bolts and bars” of their relationship. Although the story of Nehemiah’s journey to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem is not intended as a discourse on preserving a marriage, we can see an interesting parallel between the two. Nehemiah tells us that on five specific gates they put the “doors, bolts and bars” in place as they hung the rebuilt gates (Nehemiah 3:3, 6, 13, 14, & 15). Consider for a moment what the “doors, bolts and bars” may represent in your life.
 
Doors…often represent opportunities, but not all opportunities are good for a marriage. Opportunities have to be evaluated in relationship to the “we” not the “me” in a marriage. Although an opportunity may provide more money, excitement or “whatever”, it isn’t necessarily a good choice for “two lives” that have become one flesh. Doors must bring unity not division. Doors must be designed for both of you, not just one. Doors must also be gateways to spiritual growth, not pathways away from God. It’s always a good idea to sit down and discuss the “doors” in your life with each other before you tug on the handle. A little patience, petition and mutual permission can prevent a lot of heartache. It’s easier to avoid a door than it is to close it once it’s been opened or to rebuild it when it comes off the hinges.
 
Bolts…are the support system for your marriage. Bolts keep the doors straight, useable and secure. The most important “bolt” in any marriage is faith in God. I believe that the damage and destruction in any marriage can be traced back to an unhealthy relationship with God by one or both of the spouses. It’s impossible for a marriage to work properly if the “bolt” of faith is missing. The second “bolt” is a relationship with family and friends who are spiritually mature. If these relationships are healthy there is accountability for stupid behavior; a verbal slap in the face if you will. The third “bolt” is a pastor or other spiritual mentor who has some form of responsibility for your welfare. Too many people avoid this relationship out of fear; whether it is real or imaginary. All of the “bolts” in our support system need to be properly installed and periodically inspected for wear and tear. A tremendous amount of commitment is required to keep a “door” functioning properly. When we distance ourselves from our “bolts” we won’t hear the “squeaking door” or see the “poor fit” until it’s too later.  Together, God, friends, family and counselors can provide the “oil of attention” or the “wrench of perspective” we often need for a custom fit.
 
Bars…provide protection through blocking access. Even if we refuse to go through an unsafe “door” in our life, they don’t always go away. A temptation that is always present should be permanently “barred” from your marriage. Perhaps it’s a relationship that is too close for comfort or an activity that creates blind spots to approaching danger. Like an alcoholic who needs to avoid their old haunts, couples need to avoid anything that puts their marriage into jeopardy. This can be disconcerting for a spouse who doesn’t share the same weaknesses. They have to consider the bigger picture. Marriage is more than fulfilling our own wants and desires; it’s a team sport. Every now and then a player must sacrifice their own interests for the success of the team.
 
Marriage has the potential to be the most satisfying achievement in a person’s life or one of the most devastating. After Nehemiah surveyed the destruction in Jerusalem, he shared his vision with the people. They were presented with two choices; the status quo of their situation or the safety represented by repairing the wall around the city. In unison they cried out, “Let us start rebuilding” (Nehemiah 2:18). As with most good decisions, it wasn’t easy. At times they had to build with a weapon in one hand and a trowel in the other, but they continued to build. People laughed at them, told them they were foolish and spread lies about their purpose. Sound familiar? Times haven’t changed that much. Each of us has to decide if we are willing to fight for our marriages. As you “check your pulse” this week, ponder the “doors, bolts and bars” facing your marriage. Ask yourself if there are any repairs that need to be made.