SKIN DEEP
“Greater love has no one than this, that he
 lay down his life for his friends.” John 5:13

Someone once said that “Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone!” It may not be the best thing to say, but it sure is true in the area of relationships. Some friendships we have may only be “skin” deep. They offer a few laughs or good times but fail to have any substance, whereas my “ugly” or “deep” relationships cut clear to the bone. Am I alone in my thinking or have any of you experienced the same thing? As a man, I suffer from an acute shortage of close friends. Some men don’t have any. We may blame societal pressures that place a tremendous burden on men to excel; whether it’s in sports, business or sexual exploits. For those who buy into the game they have no time or interest in developing deep long lasting friendships, even with their spouse or families. But I think we need to be careful in pinning all the blame on “others” because true friendships are cultivated by people who are serious about putting in the time and effort that it takes to establish them. You mean it could be our own fault? Yes, I do. Let’s take a look at both types; relationships that are “skin” deep and those that are ugly to the bone “deep”, so we can make an honest assessment of where we are, where we want to be and how to get there.   
 
Surface talk...
 
Have you ever been with family or friends for an extended period of time where you run out of things to talk about after an hour or a day but have to gut it out with them for a whole week? No offense to anyone, but I am sure that everyone has someone in their life who fits the bill for this type of experience. This may happen with people you see at church, at work or even in your neighborhood. All of your interactions are just “surface” talk. You might talk about the weather, your favorite sports team or even how someone you know needed to hear the pastor’s sermon on Sunday, but nothing much else. Every week, year after year, we repeat the same routine over and over again. It’s all about sounding good and looking good on the surface.
 
Kind gestures...
 
If we are more serious about our “skin” deep friends we may even throw in a “kind gesture” or two out of a desire to have more depth, but just short of taking the journey to get there. You might invite people to your home for dinner, go out to eat together or attend the same small group at church. Our happy faces hide the inner struggle we may have with our faith or with our own demons. We want to appear okay because everyone around us appears okay. The sad truth is that most of the people that we are trying to impress with our happy faces are playing the same game as we are; hiding their hurts below the “skin” where no one can see.
 
Isolated hearts…
 
All of this gamesmanship “isolates” our “hearts” from the love and compassion that we need to both give and receive. When we erect walls around our hearts it keeps us from reaching out as much as it protects us inside. Some people find comfort in this unnatural type of relationship. They believe that the “price of privacy is worth the cost of intimacy”, but I’m here to tell you it’s not. God made us relational beings for a reason. Not only does he want to have close fellowship with us, He also wants us to support and encourage each other. Our self-imposed isolation is extremely harmful to the purpose and plan that God has for each one of us. We will never obtain the victory in our life that He desires unless we tear down the walls that “isolates” our “hearts” from the love of others.
 
Negligible impact…
 
Have I stepped on your toes yet? I just want you to know that mine aren’t feeling very good right now either. Another result of “skin” deep relationships is that we have very little impact in the lives of those around us who we say that we love. How many of you want people to lie about you at your funeral? I don’t either, so if we want to impact the people who may be standing in front of our casket or urn someday, we have to become more intentional in our interactions with each other. We must lay down our “personal intimacy to purchase what personal privacy can never obtain”.  
 
The following thoughts have helped me achieve ugly to the bone “deep” relationships with my friends.

“For the word of God is living and active.
 Sharper than any double-edged sword,
 it penetrates even to dividing soul and
 spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the
 thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
Hebrews 4:12

Drill down...
 
We will never go “deep” if we don’t take the time to “drill down” in our conversations to important matters. It can be uncomfortable at first, but trust me it will get easier over time. Think about it like this; when winter first arrives we are uncomfortable for awhile until our bodies adjust to the “energy saving” temperature on our thermostats. After a few days or a week or two we are just fine, perhaps we can even take off the extra sweater that we started wearing. I want to caution you to go slow at first because people around you might get uncomfortable if you suddenly start deviating from “surface” talk to “deep” talk. People are a lot like the frog who if thrown into a boiling pot of water will jump to safety, but the same frog will stay in the pot if the temperature is slowly raised until it’s too late. In our situation we want to go slow enough to give our friends time to adjust, without jumping out of the pot, to our desire to deepen our friendships by “drilling down.”   
 
Express your love...
 
Have you ever received a gift that was perfect? It was better than “nice” because the person who gave the gift knew exactly what you wanted. The same is true in relationships because “kind gestures” or “nice” gifts are transformed into “expressions of love” that are perfect for the moment. When you take the time to go to the hospital, send an e-mail (letters are even better), or just put your arms around a friend who is hurting it “expresses love” better than anything else. That’s why people in convalescent homes are sitting out in the hallways or in the lobbies; they are waiting for someone to care. Sometimes people out live all of their friends or families, but too often they haven’t developed any friends along the way, finding themselves old and alone.
 
Expose your soul…
 
Did I forget to mention that “deep” relationships cost more? Well, unfortunately they do; they require us to “expose” our soul. It’s a scary thing, because we are afraid that if people really knew who we are inside or what strange or weird things we struggle with, that they would run away screaming. This could actually happen, but it might not; okay let me put it this way, there is more of a chance that your friends are having or have already dealt with the same struggles. They can either offer support as you go through it together or show you how they found answers. Either way, you are miles ahead of the “smucks” that never “expose” their soul to anyone.  
 
Profoundly impact…  
 
Doesn’t that sound awesome; “profoundly impact?” It’s the difference between a hole in your backyard and the Grand Canyon; one is annoying but the other is overwhelming. When I am dying, I don’t want strangers to come and visit me; I want my wife, my family and all the other people who were brave enough to have gone “deep” with me by my bedside. Don’t you? Death is one of paradoxes in life where we can experience sadness and joy at the same time. But it takes time to “profoundly impact” someone’s life. We have to do more than want it; we have to be willing to pay the price.
 
If you are like me there will be an ebb and flow of “deep” relationships in your life. I have some “deep” friends that I haven’t seen for years, but we do keep in touch occasionally. “Deep” friends are often developed in specific periods of our life for different reasons. The key is to always have some “deep” friends that are near enough for you to interact with on at least a weekly basis. As you “check your pulse” this week, think about all of the relationships in your life. How many are “skin” deep and how many are “ugly to the bone” “deep?” If you find yourself lacking, ask God “why”, then ask Him to show you who you need to spend time digging “deeper” with. I want to close by thanking all my “ugly” friends for believing in me enough to “drill down to the important things of life, by expressing your love for me in tangible ways, by exposing your souls without shame and by doing so profoundly impacting my life”. Please, continue to go “deep” into my life by being “ugly to the bone” and thank you for allowing me to do the same in your lives.
 
Del Brixey
“Ugly to the Bone”
 
CHALLENGED TO THE CORE
P.O. BOX 414
LAKE ARROWHEAD, CA 92352-0414
 
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